Well it's been 5 days since my husband left for deer camp and all I have accomplished is moving the golf clubs in the corner of the basement where the tv stand used to be. The days are flying and my motivation is lacking. Or maybe I am just resting. I've been running around putting out fires for a while and I'm a little pooped. 

It seems like for the last two years things have been spiraling downward.  First my real estate deals started dying then came all the controversy and lay offs with Chrysler, where my husband works.  We were glued to CNN and Google and we let every bit of that negativity absorb into our minds and our bones.  Things are settling but the residual effects linger.

The one we pay most attention to is our empty bank account. "Woe is us we didn't get to go to Orlando this year and YIKES I am using skincare from Rite Aid!" Blah blah blah.  Instead of being thankful that he is fortunate to still have a job and a home, unlike so many others, we dwell on how far behind we became and that we are facing the holidays on a shoe string budget. Isn't that stupid? At least we have a budget.

What we (that's a collective we, not just a me and him we!) should be focusing on is ourselves: mind, body, attitude, spirit. As humans we think we are invincible and forget that the bodies that support us are so easily broken if abused or neglected. And as tough as we think we are, our spirits are fragile. When the attitude becomes negative, it's only a matter of time before our precious shells begin to deteriorate in both appearance and function. 

I look in the mirror today and see the result, not of the things that have gone wrong for the last few years, but of what I have been doing wrong in response to those things.  But that result, this current situation, these are simply my circumstances and do not represent what I am or what I am doing now. I am excited to see how my situation and circumstances evolve along with my new understanding and attitude. 

As a former healthy, productive, thriving girl I knew all these things. I read the books, quoted the quotes, and relished in my young wisdom. But it wasn't until my perfect life was tested and my confidence was shaken, that I really understood what it all meant. I continue to revisit lessons that I thought I already mastered fifteen years ago, and even though so much of the journey sucks, the lessons are more rewarding. 

How about you? If it seems like your dreams & goals are out of sync with your reality just keep moving forward toward what you want and your reality will catch up.  If you stop too long to think about it, you might get stuck.  Now that I have figured all that out I can move onto cleaning out the basement :-)

I have been using an artificial Christmas tree for so long that I have almost forgotten that a real live tree is an option!  Growing up we always had the real deal.  A couple of times we went to the Christmas tree farm, picked out our tree, toured the orchard, ate donuts and cider and made a big special deal out of it.  But most of the time we picked it out of a parking lot where different vendors had gathered to sell their trees.  I remember that the needles were messy and that it was a pain in the neck to dispose of.  

I don't remember when we changed from real to fake trees.  And I don't recall ever missing the real tree.  To me, artificial trees offer such convenience and saves so much money I wonder why folks even buy real anymore.   

What kind of tree to put up for the holidays?  Why? 

I love working at home and the flexibility I have to participate at school with the kids or throw in a load of clothes while I am "on the clock".  But there are some days I wonder if I'd be happier out in the world giving insurance quotes or setting patient appointments.  Why?  There are periods I just lack the discipline to pull it all off! What is discipline anyway?

Working from home is fantastic.  I don't have to punch a clock, put on a suit, or having a boss breathing over my neck.  I take my lunch whenever I want.  The commute is great. And I can sneak in a little Facebooking or bill paying on the job.   Seriously, can you think of a better situation?

Unfortunately, it doesn't work exactly like that.  I don't have to punch a clock but if I don't get here early enough and work long enough, I don't make enough money. Hmm.  I get to wear track pants everyday but I am pretty sure that plus the sedentary computer work is responsible for my bigger booty.  I COULD work out and pay bills and the like but I don't.  Because I don't have to.  Because I have such a flexible schedule that I think I can do everything "later".  But guess what... then it's too late!

Discipline is a hard thing to measure. You don't actually "do" discipline, you know?  Discipline for me just boils down to REMEMBERING to stick to the plan.

• Write down the day's tasks and continue to work from the list.
• Take a walk and stretch break between every article assignment. Incorporate THAT with throwing in some laundry or doing some prep for dinner.
• Take a lunch time, respect it, and stick to it. Use it to pay bills, check email, internet play, etc. 

Sometimes (A lot of the times) I feel like my family is too dependent on me. Do you ever feel like that?  It's not that I necessarily mind constantly fetching things for people because as they say, "you're closer to it". (I am closer to EVERYTHING in the house because I, unlike they, am constantly in motion, busy with responsibilities, while they are sedentary busy with... bossing me around I guess.) Or doing things for them because I am, as they say, "better at it." Notice a pattern here already?  You see, my concern isn't really a complaint on my own behalf, it is worry that  they are not becoming independent and able to function in the world when Mama isn't close by.

And it's a complaint on my behalf. :-)  

I was thinking how great it would be to set up a cardboard display of pamphlets made by  me, pertaining to my family.  They would have titles like...

what to do with you backpack when you get home.

how to heat Chef BoyArdee in the microwave. 

coping with the television set being off on occasion.

tips for gathering all of your bath time time needs BEFORE you get in the shower. 

You know? Stuff like that.  And when they asked for my assistance for some such silly thing they should be handling on their own I wouldn't even have to look up from my cozy spot of reading and sipping wine (cus surely I'd have loads of newfound free time in this scenario) and answer, "refer to pamphlet 1C".  Of course, I'd probably also have to make a pamphlet explaining how to find and use the pamphlets. Hmmm. I need to think on it some more. 

Halloween has come and gone and left me with an odd feeling. It got here too fast, it was done too quick, and people are weird.

My Family was really excited for Halloween this year because it was going to be on a Saturday and we anticipated lots of fun.  That was two months ago.  Two months ago we also decided that my daughter, 10, was going to be Coraline. There are no Coraline costumes out yet so we were excited about being original, and it would be easy enough to pull together so we thought we had it all in the bag.  All we really needed was the yellow rain slicker, yellow rain boots, getting the hair into a blue bob and the button eyes.  The eyes are the most important part and the only thing I worried about. I found the perfect solution a week before Halloween, but could not find the rain wear anywhere without spending a small fortune.

Suddenly it was the 30th, we had no costume for the school party AND it was my daughter's birthday the following day and I had spent so much time worrying about the costume I hadn't been birthday shopping. Actually, there were other worries and to-dos in there, but those were the biggies.  So at 10pm the night before Halloween I went to the Halloween shop and picked up a costume.  She loved it and didn't mind missing out on Coraline.

The next day I had to make a quick stop back to the Halloween store to get a Jabberwocky mask for my son. It was about 5pm and I suppose the parties had already begun.  Although it had occurred to me that a Saturday Halloween would be extra fun for the kids with the potential for parties and no school night bedtime to contend with, it didn't occur to me that adults would be partying.

The Halloween shop was packed. Understandable you say?  PACKED WITH MORONS! It wasn't just that I couldn't get a parking spot, but I couldn't drive THROUGH the parking lot. People were stopping their cars to let their kids out to run in for whatever they needed... but instead of pulling through they just stayed put. The parking lot was gridlocked. Both entrances were blocked because people made the commitment to pull in before they realized they couldn't get through and all through the parking lot were people like me who couldn't pull forward and couldn't reverse.

I finally made it in the store and I wanted to taze everyone I saw.  They were pushing and crowding, huddled in groups blocking whole sections, and simply oblivious to their surroundings. The line was super long. I was so irritated by the time HE walked in.

He was tall and skinny wearing white riding breeches. (TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT!)  He had on a red tank top that showed his midriff, make up, and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, acting very obnoxious and wanting to be seen.  It didn't appear to be his normal attire.  If it were, it wouldn't have bothered me. Or maybe without the cigarette it wouldn't have bothered me. I smelled the alcohol on him even before he approached the counter and started bothering with the 14 year old boy in line next to me. His son. The kid didn't even look up at him as he paid for his stuff and tried to get out quickly.  I tried not to even look at them or let my mind go beyond a scenario where dad drinks too much and is late for his Halloween party. I was disgusted enough just seeing this grown man drunk and obnoxious, ruining the night that SHOULD BE his son's to enjoy.

I thought about that when we were trick or treating and there were so few kids out and less houses participating than usual.  Did everyone have parties? Did the adults take the holiday over this year because it was a weekend and they didn't have to get up in the morning?  The trick or treat hours were even shortened this year.  It all just came and went too fast this year. I hope it was a one time thing, due to the Saturday schedule and perhaps a strained economy.  I love Halloween and don't want to see it fade away. :-(